Becoming a parent is both wonderful and challenging! Everyone talks about how much work infants are and the the lack of sleep in the beginning. But no one talks about heartache you'll feel for your children as the grow.
I got the mail the other day and noticed that there was a birthday party invite (Bounce U invitation). I didn't even have to look at who it was addressed to, I knew that it was for my younger son. I guess I was having a very sensitive day because immediately tears came to my eyes and I had to bite back a sob.
My older son with SPD gets invited to another child's birthday party *maybe* once a year, and some of those are actually friends of my younger son but they invited siblings too. Younger son gets invites about 5-7 times a year. My older son has started noticing in the last year or so that he doesn't get many birthday party invites or doesn't have very many friends. My heart breaks when he cries, "Why doesn't anyone like me? Why don't I have any friends?" I try to reassure him, but I don't know what to do sometimes. Right now, he does have one friend in his class and he plays a lot with his cousin who is 2 years older than him.
He's in 4th grade now. I told him that I didn't have any really good, long-term friends until 5th grade. That's when I met 3 other girls and we stayed friends until our senior year. I never had a huge amount of friends but I had the 3 of them. One of them, I still keep in regular contact with and see her and her family about once a year. I wish sometimes that I could see into the future to know that he'll find a good friend to do things with and confide in. I know he'll never be the most popular kid in school, but I just hope that he can find someone to connect with and won't be the loner always hanging in the shadows.
Just needed to vent and be the worrying mom...
I feel you. I was a bit of a pariah at that age, too, and there really is no easy way around it. But I think you have the right of it; he needs to know that it does get better. It won't always make it easier, but it can help.
Lynn, sorry to hear about all of this.
(02-22-2011, 07:55 PM)LynnNBoys Wrote: [ -> ]My older son with SPD gets invited to another child's birthday party *maybe* once a year, and some of those are actually friends of my younger son but they invited siblings too. Younger son gets invites about 5-7 times a year. My older son has started noticing in the last year or so that he doesn't get many birthday party invites or doesn't have very many friends. My heart breaks when he cries, "Why doesn't anyone like me? Why don't I have any friends?" I try to reassure him, but I don't know what to do sometimes. Right now, he does have one friend in his class and he plays a lot with his cousin who is 2 years older than him.
Man oh man, does this ever remind me of myself. I was the same way at his age, and it never really stopped. I didn't really get invited to much or go anywhere or get to do things with people. Even when I was invited, I couldn't really ever do all that it would entail to go and do whatever it was I was being invited to. I'm still the same way. I can't survive a party, so I never go. I don't really have any strong friends in real life, and I doubt I'd be here today if I hadn't made any friends online. The loner hanging in the shadows? Yeah, that's pretty much me by now.
I really have SPD to thank for most of that, as well as being the third born 'forgotten child' of four in my family. So I guess it's plain to see why I'm passionate about the SPD cause.
The difference? I didn't start treatment (like, really start it) until I was 20 years old, after years of crap like that had been going on. Your son, however, gets to start it now, gets to understand that it's SPD that is making things so difficult for him, and that this isn't his own fault. That is pretty critical.
It's hard, it's tough, but it will be okay. Even I will someday have real life friends and perhaps (if I get real lucky it would seem) an intimate relationship. Probably not very soon, but hopefully soon enough. Who knows, perhaps I'm just posting this because I'm kind of feeling the same way about myself right now.
Anyhow, hope things improve, and just remember that we're here for you.
I went through periods of being popular, social pariah, popular, social pariah, ...
It not only depends on you but the mix of kids as well as their ages.
I physically developed very early. The girls in the 6th grade made my life hell because of this "audacity". None of the boys or girls talked to me (30 student class) for an entire year. Anyone who tried started getting the same "treatment".
If you are the awkward person in the class it is vitally important that you identify the other awkward students and try to befriend them. Even if they make you uncomfortable at first for some unknown reason.
All my popular periods were from when I had gathered 5+ awkward kids (once as high as 20 at once) and we all had lunch and fun together on a regular basis.
Use your extra sensory capabilities to learn things about people and what interest them. Use that information to try to find common ground to befriend them with.
One girl I befriended because it was her first day at a new school in this country, she spoke no English, and she had to leave her parents and siblings back in her home country (Burma). I just made sure I was there for her through her tears and helped her navigate the school a little that first day. We stayed close friends for over a decade. After college we have grown apart, but we also live far away from each other.
None of my friends in K-12 really threw parties. I threw all the parties. Years later my friends have all told me how much they appreciated my board game parties.
I find that board games are really a fairly safe way to socialize without activating my SPD too much. Especially when the party is in my own home, SPD is much less of a factor.
You don't have to throw elaborate parties. You just need excuses for the kids to get together.
(02-22-2011, 07:55 PM)LynnNBoys Wrote: [ -> ]Just needed to vent and be the worrying mom...
Vent and worry! You're a mother! You're doing your job really well!
My son's having a low time too... the one special friend he had at school has left. They were real soul mates - loved building with Lego, drawing cartoon strips, building "cubbies" in the bush (Australian for woods). Now he's back playing with some younger children, not good socially speaking.... but he did get invited to a classmate's party during the week. The whole class is invited (25 children)... but that's OK, it's an opportunity to have some fun with his classmates (hopefully) and build some new connections- he doesn't have the kinds of sensory issues that make the experience unbearable.
Beck's suggestions of taking the initiative yourself was a good one and has got me thinking too about what we could do. I'll go suck up my own social inhibitions and see what I can think of!
Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the responses!
Dear Lynn,
I'm new here, not had time to type up my intro yet, but after reading your post about your son, I was so moved I signed up for this forum immediately. My 5 year old son was just excluded from a birthday party this weekend. I heard about it from another mom and it just killed me. Luckily, DS has no idea.
He has relatively mild SPD, but I worry it will become more and more obvious as he gets older that he is "different" - and that the exclusion could start to happen more and more. I feel your heartache and my hugs go out to you and your son.
Chrissy