This is something that has just raised it's head. My son is 5 and he sees kids in his class going home with each other.
He has allergies to some foods so I have had relatives and close friends and their kids over and we have been to theirs and I take food with me. They all understand the need to keep foods separate and have seen him grow up, so know him well.
My son came home this week and asked could he go to "such and suches " house to play. I wonder how others have handled it.
I feel others don't understand him and his condition (newly diagnosed so I don't really) and his behaviour, I wouldn't want to put on another adult the responsibility of how he is to deal with. He is not a naughty boy just lives life in fast lane, running, shouting, jumping, not sitting still. My other children (4 of them) would visit friends houses and watch videos or play nicely. He does neither
of these prefering to run wild outside. I feel I am hampering his building friendships but not sure how to deal with it.
Maybe for now, you could invite the other children to your house. That way you could be there to intervene if need be. And in doing that, you'll get to know the other children and their parents as well. As you and your son get more comfortable with a few of his classmates, you'll maybe know who's house he might be okay at. Then eventually talk to the parents whose kids seem mostly likely to be friends of your son's. Or you could also talk to the parent and see if you could stay with him at their house to watch over things, if that was acceptable to everyone.
Once they start school, there's a whole new set of issues that come up! Once you think you have things figured out, something changes!
Good luck!
I'm sorry I must have tried to answer this 10 times and been interrupted each time!! We struggle with this too. Here are some things we do. RE food we pack everything and the instructions are simply, do not feed her anything other than what we provide. This is true for grandparents, playdates, classes, whatever. People who don't deal with food issues can be very illogical about this, like thinking graham crackers don't have wheat in them or fruit loops are made from fruit or who knows what.
I think it is good to set our kids up for success and give them a chance. If you dont' have any specific objection to the friend, talk to the parent, explain that your child has difficulty doing quiet activities with friend around but very much wants to try a play date, set the playdate for a time when it's not movie night or something he can't handle, keep it short, stay nearby with a cell phone so you can be contact (or stay there and visit if that is more comfortable) or if that won't work as the other family if you can get them together at a park or someplace more doable for your son.
Thanks for your replies. I do take his own food everywhere we go. Have done to his parties for friends but these where usually at places like play barns where they can run wild in a group. If you know what I mean.
I am more concerned about the fact that yes they may feed him something they shouldn't because they haven't a clue about allergies and that he runs mad when confined to indoors. He can't sit still, doesn't sit and play quietly, constantly in your face, touches everything, ask questions that some people find awkward. I feel he can be quite a burden on others, not my friends cos they have seen him grow up and know what he is about.
From an onlookers view he looks like a naughty child. I have had loads of comments from shoppers who think he needs to be smacked or I have been told to walk away, or people have stood staring while he has a tantrum.
I couldn't put this on others shoulders but want him to be accepted as "normal". Maybe I am over sensitive on this one. I have 4 children other than him who went to play and stayed for dinner etc without any problems.
I try to set up an activity at a neutral site, like the park or the ice rink, so that if there are problems we can end the event somewhat gracefully. You don't have to ask anyone to leave your house, or swoop in and pull your kid out of their house. Also, I try to pick somewhere that the kids are expected to be active - the playground, ice skating, the pool, etc. - these places expect a kid to be energetic and a bit loud.
If the kids "click" you can gradually get to know the other parent, and share what you think is necessary to make things go well. I don't do it up front - my kid's list of issues would scare the parents off most parents!