08-19-2010, 01:49 AM
Hi,
My boyfriend has SPD, particularly sensory over-resposivity.
Before we started dating, he told me that he had something called sensory defensiveness which meant it hurt him when people touched him. I had never heard of anything like that before and thought it must be something purely psychological.
As we became closer friends, I began to see how things bothered him more than others. I decided to research sensory defensiveness and found a checklist that described him exactly. In addition to being tactile defensive, he is also extremely bothered by light, certain sounds, smells, and textures of food.
When we eventually started dating, I began to really see and feel the extent to which SPD affects his daily life. For one thing, my "love language" or how I feel loved is when people hug and hold me. This has been really hard at times and I've learned how selfish I can be. He is absolutely amazing though and often insists on hugging me even when it's really hard for him. However there have been times when he's hyperventilated or thrown up while/after hugging me. I felt absolutely horrible after that.
Or there have been times when I've had a horrible day and just want him to be there for me and hold me, but it's just too hard for him. I have to keep telling myself that just because he doesn't want to give me a hug doesn't mean he doesn't love me.
Another problem we have is going to social events (weddings, church, parties). Right now it's summer and the sun really bothers him. Sun glasses don't work either because he feels them constantly on his face. I hate going to social events without him and have people ask, "Where's ____? Is he anti-social? Does he not like people?" etc. It's not even so much what people say as it is the fact that I miss him and want to do those things together.
I love him so much and we're planning on getting engaged in the near future! ^^ He's extremely gifted and so compassionate. You have no idea how relieved I am to find this chat room. I've taken out Sensational Kids, The Out-of-Sync Child, and Too Loud too tight too fast too bright from my library, but I've really wanted other people with whom I can relate.
Thanks and look forward to getting to know you guys
My boyfriend has SPD, particularly sensory over-resposivity.
Before we started dating, he told me that he had something called sensory defensiveness which meant it hurt him when people touched him. I had never heard of anything like that before and thought it must be something purely psychological.
As we became closer friends, I began to see how things bothered him more than others. I decided to research sensory defensiveness and found a checklist that described him exactly. In addition to being tactile defensive, he is also extremely bothered by light, certain sounds, smells, and textures of food.
When we eventually started dating, I began to really see and feel the extent to which SPD affects his daily life. For one thing, my "love language" or how I feel loved is when people hug and hold me. This has been really hard at times and I've learned how selfish I can be. He is absolutely amazing though and often insists on hugging me even when it's really hard for him. However there have been times when he's hyperventilated or thrown up while/after hugging me. I felt absolutely horrible after that.
Or there have been times when I've had a horrible day and just want him to be there for me and hold me, but it's just too hard for him. I have to keep telling myself that just because he doesn't want to give me a hug doesn't mean he doesn't love me.
Another problem we have is going to social events (weddings, church, parties). Right now it's summer and the sun really bothers him. Sun glasses don't work either because he feels them constantly on his face. I hate going to social events without him and have people ask, "Where's ____? Is he anti-social? Does he not like people?" etc. It's not even so much what people say as it is the fact that I miss him and want to do those things together.
I love him so much and we're planning on getting engaged in the near future! ^^ He's extremely gifted and so compassionate. You have no idea how relieved I am to find this chat room. I've taken out Sensational Kids, The Out-of-Sync Child, and Too Loud too tight too fast too bright from my library, but I've really wanted other people with whom I can relate.
Thanks and look forward to getting to know you guys
Hate glasses.
It's nice to meet you, too. And it's wonderful to see that your seeking out people who understand what's going on with your boyfriend. I know, from what my husband says, that it's very difficult to understand it when you're not dealing with the same issues. It really shows that you care a lot about him, and that's always a wonderful thing. 
I wouldn't be surprised if that's something your boyfriend has difficulties handling. Plus, like beck said, the "weight" of the touch makes a huge difference. Many of us (including me) can't stand some types of touch but crave others. For me, deep, intense touch to non-sensitive areas are something I crave. Things like this are pretty much any non-ticklish areas, like most of my back, shoulders, tops of my legs or knees, areas of that sort. And my touching someone else as opposed to their touching me makes a big difference, too. It's easy for someone not in my shoes to not know where to touch me or how, and no matter how much of an effort I make, there's only so much relaxing into it that I can pull off. So it's worth experimenting on where he likes to be touched most and least, how hard or soft, and that sort of thing. And it may be easier for him to hug you if he hugs your back, so that you only touch his arms around your front, especially when you really need the touch and he really needs the control.