My oldest son used to have meltdowns that could turn violent. That was always very difficult. I had to distance myself at that point. When ever I got smacked, by anybody, for any reason I could not reliably control my reaction. My instinct is to hit back. The best I could do was walk very quickly into my own room and shut the door and have my own little melt down screaming into my pillow. I do not like this about myself.

The cat accidently clawed me the other day and I smacked her before I could get a hold of myself. I felt really bad. She's a sweet little thing and in no way deserved to be hit. Usually I am patient and kind. Okay, let me be more honest. If I am in control of my environment and nothing is overstimulating me, I am patient and kind. When I smacked the cat I had been listening to a f**&g chainsaw cut down my neighbors tree for half a day. But it was only after I hit the cat that I realized the chainsaw was driving me nuts! I put my earplugs in and my whole day gradually got better.

Hang in there. You are among people who understand.