@beck It's like you say. When I can control my anxiety issues I can easily get along with people. I had a phase when my anxieties really went down a lot and I made tons of friends. When I'm having fun I'm also always the last one who wants to leave but I guess the anxiety and the spd masks my real self and make me seem the opposite of who I am.

@Raven: Can I ask you how you became OCD free? Also what you said is exactly why I came here. Everyone is acceptance is the key, meds can help you(I hate meds btw, I'm too sensitive for them.SPD?) but then I imagine myself without OCD and it's like it's still crappy.

What I hate the most is the under-stimulation that I have when there is nothing going around like it costs me TONS of energy just to start something.(Even dress myself to go outside, how many time I postponed that one, missed a lot of school hours because of that)

I'm going to be honest, I'm only 21 but this crap (in combination with my family issues) ruined my life. I was 1 year ahead at school and have an IQ of 130, I excell in a lot of sports and most people find my funny. But I quit university 1 year ago, quit soccer 1.5 years ago, quit guitar school, I have no home anymore (luckily I can stay with some people for now but it wasn't always the case), lost my girlfriend and I don't have any interaction with most of my friends anymore.

I've been through hell believe me, certainly because of this OCD, I can manage it somehow better now but there have been times I was bombarded with the same thought for months on an end 24/7.
Even my OCD is weird it only picks stuff that come from youth. Some people with OCD fear stuff like being a pedophile, being gay, doubting their relationship excessively, I never focus on that always the same central fear that I developed when I was younger.(I don't want to put the whole story here or else it's going to take 30min to read).

@beck: "OCD can be a sensory protection skill. My husband has OCD and utilizes it to protect him from some mild sensory issues."
I can certainly relate to this. When I was younger I had this compulsion of touching people whenever they touched me because it made me go nuts and I had to find something to calm it.

What books do you guys think I should read?

BTW: Sorry if I make to much mistakes. English isn't my native language.(+ I'm rambling too much right now..)