First @heather40-
Thinking about enjoying those things again made me tear up a little... Sadly it's always 10 degrees outside during the winter here and cold is very painful :/ I've been trying to write though. That medication I was on-the addictive one I'm almost off of- it really dampened my entire mind. That creative place that used to thrive is buried in the attic full of cobwebs, under a thousand boxes of Christmas lights and outgrown clothes... But writing on message boards seems to be bringing it back a tiny bit. I wrote a somewhat nonsense 3 line poem yesterday, ha! progress right? And I was still keeping a gecko and two hermit crabs until early last year... I just couldn't take care of them properly anymore and I knew they deserved better. My father is very alone and giving them my little buddies has improved his life drastically, plus he has all the money and ambition to not just take care of them but turn their habitats into beautiful "mansions" where they've all grown twice the size and run around so happy. I miss my gecko that I raised from birth, but I know he has a better life now. As I learn to cope with this, I plan on taking every bit of that advice to heart- the butterflies sound so perfect for me. I remember loving it so much in 2nd/3rd grade. And I actually do still have a creek pretty close (not in my backyard like before, I have to walk 5 minutes of urban city). But I've been agoraphobic since living here. Whenever I did walk by it I always stopped and walked down two steps just to see the frogs jump into the water, then I'd go on my way. When the creek stops being frozen, the scene you described to me... Sounded like pure bliss. Thank you so much for your response, in fact thank you for all of your responses, you really have a knack for SPD advice!

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@shorrocksalot- I just can't believe how much pain and suffering I had to go through due to the ignorance of the mass population to SPD. So many of my lowest moments could have been prevented. My teenage years were so, so dark and painful... Hating myself that much, I caused myself pain I didn't deserve. Drugs, cutting, promiscuity (I suppose trying to prove that I can be loved)... But like you said, I'm only 23. I'm lucky to have found it now rather than 20 years from now.

The only way I can go outside is with headphones, a hoodie with the hood up, and sunglasses- during winter I add a hat and scarf up to my nose. It's my "invisibility cloak" I tell myself, nobody can see me or hear me, I'm invisible and I can look at anyone and they don't even know it. I almost play a "catwoman" game in my head, I get super "shady" looking and walk around as if I'm a ghost. I'm in a whole other world since all I can hear is my music, none of the traffic, construction, etc. when I walk by the restaurants I put my nose in the scarf. This is the only way I've managed to walk to the corner store thats only two blocks away lol going into the busier city is too much still.

I saw an incredible documentary on state institutions in places like Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania. It's so shocking and literally made me want to cry. The really good one is "Bulgaria's Abandoned Children" and the Ukraine one is "Ukraine's forgotten children" but watch the Bulgaria one first. Parents are encouraged to sign over any disabled baby / child to the state. But those institutions do not have qualified doctors or nurses. The "nurses" are just random people with maybe a high school diploma. If there is a doctor, for example in the Ukraine one the only doctor was actually a dentist. To treat 126 disabled, malnourished, severely neglected children who are deformed physically and developmentally due to the neglect. She said straight up the only thing she can do is check if they have pneumonia or bronchitis. It was a BBC special, but you can see it for free on YouTube. It's mind-blowing, truly one of the most heart wrenching documentaries I've seen in a while (and I'm a documentary nut!). It has 9 parts, watch them in order. I'll message you a link to the first video!