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Sleeping in Mom and Dad's Bed - A'sMom - 11-07-2011
I've been reading some of the other posts about sleeping issues, so I know a lot of people are struggling with this as well and I am hoping to gain even more problem-solving insight.
I wrote a very long background story - in part because I've been locked in the house for a week with sick kids and I've lost my mind. Feel free to skip the background and go to the 
for my question.A started off as a co-sleeper (from her first night in the hospital). I allowed / encouraged it, because I nursed her and it meant that I got more sleep if she was in bed with me. She always slept better at nighttime or naptime if she was next to me. I paid the price when it was time to move her to her crib. I read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child" and ended up suffering through the cry it out method. The transfer to the big girl bed went really well at 2. I tried to do all the right things - I always made her put herself to sleep. I wanted her to have self soothing skills! (Side note: It was at this time we started having her evaluated.)
But around 3 she started to climb into our bed in the middle of the night. I never woke up when she did it, and my husband wasn't willing to get out of a warm bed to move her. So a bad habit began. It got worse around 4 years - she could no longer fall asleep alone and only wanted to be in my bed. She said she couldn't sleep alone. Really she couldn't sleep without me. Whenever my husband put her to bed, he always fell asleep next to her (usually before her). In the middle of the night she would wake up (he would still be there, because once again he didn't want to leave a warm bed), and she would crawl over her dad and climb into bed with me.
I discussed the problem with the parenting class I was in and the bottom line was that we need to consistently put her back in her own bed or put a sleeping bag on the floor next to my bed. My husband was at his wits end with her in bed with us. A (like other kids I have read about on this site) is a mover and a shaker in bed. She likes to do full rotations and has wild limbs. So instead of being consistent or giving her a sleeping bag, I found a beautiful king-sized bed at an amazingly low price on Craig's list. She was in our bed, but at least my husband could sleep.
My next attempt to problem solve was to get the family a dog. (Something I wanted to do anyways, but it was a way to convince my husband.) The dog really helped at first. The only furniture the dog was allowed on was A's bed, so she was thrilled to go to bed with A. We told A that the dog could protect her from anything - including monsters. It was a warm, cuddly body next to A and for 2 months it worked 90% of the time. The problem was that the dog couldn't sleep without A! So when A came into my bed the dog would cry. There were nights that I ended up in the twin bed with the dog. If A realized that I left my bed, she would find me. That meant I was in the twin bed with A, the dog and 10,000 stuffed animals / toys (My favorited was Buzz Lightyear. Whenever I streched out my legs, I accidently kicked him and he shouted "To Infinity and Beyond!").
Then school (Pre-K) started. The dog no longer cut it. A was away from me at preschool Monday through Friday from 11-2. For most kids it might not be a problem, but for A it has been really hard. (Currently, I am in the process of finding a school that is a better fit for her.) So now the kid and the dog is in our bed everynight! My husband is livid!
So that was a very, very long lead up to my basic question - Is your child in bed with you? Should I be tough and kick her out of my bed? It's one of the most common problem for parents, but does a child with SPD NEED to have that physical touch at night more than another child might? My touch helps her stay asleep at night. When she has bad dreams or anxious moments in her sleep, my touch and words can calm her and keep her asleep. She fights to hold it together all day and make good decisions; I think she needs this at night. We've tried weighted blankets, the dog, her dad and even little sister. I honestly think she needs me. So many things in her life is a struggle, am I doing her a disservice to allow this? Please share your wisdom and experiences!******
RE: Sleeping in Mom and Dad's Bed - AngelaVA - 11-07-2011
We are big fans of co-sleeping, I think it's good for all kids but especially sensory kids, I would not consider it a bad habit but you do need to be consistent and clear with your expectations I think so she's not having anxiety about getting in trouble of what's allowed and what's not. Our five year old is the one with SPD and she sleeps in her own bed that's next to our bed but she sometimes needs daddy to roll over and hug her in the wee hours of the morning so she can settle back to sleep and not get up too early. Our two year old sleeps in our bed. Yes we'd eventually like them to be in their own room and I"m confident they will but right now it's what they need it's an easy way for me to meet some of her big needs for lots of touch and connection and it gets everyone the best sleep at night. If you look back to more primitive cultures kids would always sleep with their parents as a way of ensuring safety. Children having their own rooms and their own beds is a very modern notion relatively speaking and may not be the best thing for neurological development. Humans are mammals and mammals tend to sleep in groups most of the time. There is a lot out there is google land here is a blogger I enjoy who discusses a recent scientific study re cosleeping http://www.drmomma.org/2009/07/co-sleeping-children-should-sleep-with.html
I have no idea about the dog though.
RE: Sleeping in Mom and Dad's Bed - LynnNBoys - 11-09-2011
I have a lot to post on this but I should've gone to bed an hour ago. So tomorrow I'll try to answer!
RE: Sleeping in Mom and Dad's Bed - Marci - 11-13-2011
I'm not a big fan of kids in the parent bed beyond the age of 2.
My son slept, in his crib, in our room until at least 18 months, and sometimes after the 5 a.m. feeding, he'd stay with us until time to get up, but rarely ever spent the whole night there. Literally from the day he was born he was a restless sleeper who moved all over the bed all night long - in the newborn nursery at the hospital, they couldn't keep him swaddled. A number of nurses said they'd never seen another newborn who could get himself out of the tight blanket wrap that hospitals do for newborns.
So having this thrashing machine in the middle of our bed was not a workable idea -parents have rights, too, and one of them is sleep! It's important to remember that, because if you don't get adequate rest at least several nights each week, you're not going to be able to do what your SPD child needs during the day.
However, we did have contact during the night; many times I woke up, looked over at the crib and made eye contact with my son. It seemed like that eye contact was all he needed, and almost immediately he'd fall back to sleep.
At about 2, he moved, in the crib with a crib tent, into his own room, and adapted to sleeping there fairly easily, in part because of the crib tent. He was a climber from 9 months of age, and the tent over the crib was the only way to prevent major head injury - when he climbed out of the crib, he always landed head first, so we put a stop to that real fast. The tent stayed on the crib until about age 4, when we began working toward removing it with a slow negotiation process - "You can have the tent unzipped if you stay in your room" and gradually he learned boundaries and consequences.
For the last 3 years, as his SPD problems have worsened, he sleeps with one of his cats on the bed with him, and if we travel, he sleeps poorly because he says how much he misses the cat. He needs the cat there, really needs it for security, so I think your idea of the pet on the bed is good.
But a child who so badly needs to be in her mother's bed, as you describe, may have issues far beyond what are currently being addressed. I'd be concerned about the quality of her sleep - is she getting enough deep sleep if she is constantly seeking/getting touched? That isn't consistent with deep sleep, and could lead to chronic fatigue, which may be making her overall situation worse. Has she had a thorough neurological exam?
When my son developed insomnia last summer, we started him on melatonin, have you considered using that to help your daughter transition to falling sleep in her own room?
Frankly I think your husband has right to be livid, because he has rights, too, and clearly his sleep is being compromised. Exhausted parents don't make the best decisions, either at home or at work.
"Cry it out" won't work with an SPD child, but I personally would insist the child move to her own room and stay there. I think you may need professional guidance on how to get her there, and to know that her current sleep issues aren't the result of a medical issue that is being missed.
And that brings to mind one last thought - does she have nutritional issues which may contribute to poor sleep? Several years back I basically stopped sleeping at all, not by choice. A medical work-up found that I was severely deficient of vitamin B12, which in turn lead to a diagnosis of celiac disease (gluten intolerance). Now, on a gluten-free diet and with vitamin B12 doses as prescribed by my doctor, I sleep well. If I miss a few doses of B12 in a row, it shows up as sleep problems. There are several types of nutritional problems which can have major impacts on sleep.
RE: Sleeping in Mom and Dad's Bed - LynnNBoys - 11-13-2011
At a recent dinner with my dad, he told the story of my brother and me as newborns. My brother was an easy baby and slept great. Three years later they had me. My dad said that I didn't want to be put down, needed to have contact to sleep. Hated to sleep alone, he said. Then it dawned on me. I've always been that way.
It was just my brother and me, so we had separate bedrooms. But I always wished I had a sister so I could share a room. I would wake from nightmares and crawl in next to my mom. I felt so at peace and safe there. I grew out of it and slept in my own room eventually. Fast-forward to college. I started dating my now-husband. Once we started sleeping together (don't mean physical intimacy, mean sleeping), I felt that same peace and safety again. I hadn't realized how much I hated sleeping alone until having him next to me with his arm around me. I didn't realize I had the anxiety and tightness in my chest until it was gone. When he goes away on business now, I don't sleep as well.
I really wish I could go back in time to when my kids were younger and redo some things. I let people tell me that children must sleep in their own beds in their own separate rooms. I wish I hadn't listened to "them" and I wish I knew about SPD sooner. I don't think children should always be in the parents bed. Both my boys were in our bed until about 6 months old (for easier nursing) until they became too wiggly and active for anyone to sleep. Then they were in a crib in our room for several more months. But then I started to hear all the "he needs to be in his own room and sleep by himself" and I listened.
That's when the years of terrible sleeping started with my older son. From 1 to 7-8 years, I dreaded bedtime and getting him to sleep.I think it's fine to make a spot for the child in the parents' room, not in the bed necessarily, but nearby. The husband and wife have priority in the bed together, but a sleeping bag (my SIL did this with her son) or a cot or a spot somewhere for the child to feel more secure and be able to sleep better. The most important thing is that you need to find what works for your family to allow everyone to sleep well.
I am also a big fan of melatonin. It helped my younger son a lot since he is very sensitive to any sleep shortage. My older son was an awful sleeper, peaked at age 6-7 years old (took up to 3-4 hours each night) and I wish I had tried it sooner with him. By the time I tried it, he was improving anyway. By 8, it took him about an hour. By 9, about 30 minutes. Now it takes him 15ish minutes. My younger is 7. If he's having trouble settling down, then he takes the melatonin and asleep not long after.
RE: Sleeping in Mom and Dad's Bed - Spdmom - 11-29-2011
I am glad to see that we are not the only ones dealing with sleep issues with our 3 year old daughter with SPD. She has not slept well since day 1. As an infant we were told she had acid reflux and if we didn't sleep with her on our chest on the couch everynight then we had an acid reflux wedge pillow that we would strap her into. This was long before we knew anything about SPD. She now sleeps in a toddler bed beside our bed in our room. We told her behavioral therapist that we believe she sleeps for about 2 hours at a time and then we hear her thrashing around and getting her sippy cup and pacifiers. Sometimes she will actually wake up screaming or get out of bed and need to use the bathroom a couple of times a night. Well we just got a HUGE surprise this past week when we started recording her sleeping so we would have "proof" of her restlessness.
We have a camera that will turn on and record whenever it detects movement. The camera is only on her in her bed. During an 8 hour sleep cycle for the past 4 nights we have found the longest length of time that she goes without moving to be 25 minutes!! I was shocked to see the video and see how much she tosses and turned and sits up and gets her juice off the nightstand and then puts it back and flings her arms and legs around. It happens ALL night! She can't possible be getting any deep sleep. Now that we have this information I'm not sure where to go next. A sleep center for kids? A behaviorist? A neurologist? Have any of you had your SPD kids evaluated for sleep problems?
Is this common for SPD kids?
Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks!
RE: Sleeping in Mom and Dad's Bed - beck7422 - 12-05-2011
Spdmom, take the tape to a Sleep Center. They will be able to help you figure out if she needs a full sleep study (which it sounds like she does).
RE: Sleeping in Mom and Dad's Bed - LynnNBoys - 12-06-2011
SPDmom, definitely talk to her pediatrician and ask for help. It sounds like maybe a sleep center could help too.
Have you tried melatonin to see if that would help? My kids mostly had/have trouble falling asleep, but are fine once they're asleep. I would also try moving her bedtime earlier by 30 minutes. I read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr Weissbluth when my older son was a baby. He had a lot of good things to say. One thing that stuck with me was sleep begets sleep (the more they sleep, the more they'll sleep). I'm a very firm believer in early age-appropriate bedtimes. If they get overtired then their body will crank out adrenaline to compensate and then won't be able to get to sleep even though they're tired.
Does she still nap during the day at all? Kids this age need 11-13 hours of sleep. If she does, then a later bedtime is okay depending on how long and when her nap is. Both of mine stopped napping around their third birthday, so I moved their bedtime up to 7pm, sometimes even 6:45. Then they would sleep for 12 hours straight. I hated that limbo time when they would sometimes nap and sometimes not nap. Usually my older son would nap at preschool and then not be ready for bed until 9 or 9:30. But not nap when he was home with me so 7pm bedtime on those days. Family thought I was nuts or wanted me to stray from our schedule but my younger son was an awesome sleeper bjrth until about age 6. If we missed that window of time, then he got super cranky.
RE: Sleeping in Mom and Dad's Bed - Spdmom - 12-06-2011
Thanks everyone for the tips. We havent tried melatonin yet. I was worried if it is safe for a 3 year old?? We have an appointment with her regular doc next week for a referral to a neurologist. And her behavorist wants to meet to review the camera footage. She has aslo just stopped napping and now goes to bed around 7:00 and gets up at 7:00am. But still moves all night. It would just be nice to see her at peace and relaxed.
RE: Sleeping in Mom and Dad's Bed - Jaffa - 12-08-2011
My son was very poor at sleeping from the word go. He would squirm and thrash and arch his back. Yes he did have reflux too. He was also on a gluten, wheat, soy and dairy free diet. Still it continued and he was in my room where I shushed him all night and got up to him on times when shushing didn't work. He constantly sat up, lay down, rolled around, upside down, the whole works and into this he looked like he had had his head put in a bucket of water. The sweat poured fron his head.
He went to a sleep clinic but they didn't monitor him, I did a video of him out of frustration. Before I got to see the sleep clinic again at age 3 he started sleeping through. Not totally peacefully but great. Since then he goes to bed at 8, he tells me he is tired, goes to sleep fairly quickly and is there until half six. He is 5 now and only recently diagnosed. Think I fared well compared to some.
His brother (my son is adopted) is 3 and he is still as bad as your children. His carer is knackered and he is on melatonin too. He hasn't been diagnosed but I say he has it too.