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+--- Thread: Pregnant Teen with SPD - Beyond Frustrated (/thread-811.html)
Pregnant Teen with SPD - Beyond Frustrated - heavnckr - 11-30-2012
You can go ahead and sign me up as "bad mother of the year"... but I am seriously beyond frustrated. My almost 18 year old daughter was diagnosed with SPD just before her 15th birthday. I feel like absolutely no one understands! Her 26 year old sister thinks she is just spoiled and using this diagnosis to get attention. Her dad (we were never married and broke up when she was 1) is no help at all. She is very immature for her age. She is a senior in high school and is 30 weeks pregnant by a kid who just recently turned 15, flunked his freshman year, is abusive, uses drugs and alcohol to self medicate his manic depression, adhd and bipolar disorder, his dad is a drug user and felon and the boy and his mom have explosive anger issues. My daughter got pregnant during a 6 month stay at her dad's because I didn't approve of her having a relationship with this boy. Dad didn't see a problem with it... neither did the boy's mom, even though I repeatedly voiced my concern about my daughter getting pregnant. When she tested positive, her dad sent her back to live with me. I have cared for her without his support (financial nor emotional) her whole life except for those 6 months. She does not have her drivers license and just recently got hired by Oshkosh for holiday help (through Feb 1) but they have only worked her 3 times, for a total of 10 hours, since they hired her on November 16th. She has not worked since Nov 23rd. She has also been diagnosed with neurocardiogenic syncope and PATs. She sees a cardiologist regularly and is on medication for these conditions. She is also being seen regularly by a high risk OB and a regular OB. The baby is healthy.
I strongly believe that this baby should be adopted. I absolutely do not want to raise another child. My oldest two are healthy adults. This one is my youngest and my goal is to get her to a place where she can support herself financially and live independently. She is very smart and very creative. She is a talented artist and is interested in becoming an EMT after high school. However, she is very immature and very clingy to me. She doesn't look at people when they talk to her and she doesn't talk around other people. She has just recently begun to make and receive phone calls... but she has to prepare herself mentally and sometimes she "just can't do it". She also can't go anywhere alone. She will go in Walgreens by herself on occasion but that is about the only place and it is relatively small and comfortable to her. Again, sometimes she gets too stressed out and can't even go in Walgreens alone. She doesn't have a drivers license or permit. She doesn't work (She has been on call since black Friday but they never need her). She refuses to work in the church nursery or apply at a daycare center because she doesn't like kids. She seems to be thinking of this pregnancy as one looking forward to getting a new puppy. She doesn't process emotions the same way most people do and she doesn't really understand all that being a parent entails... and I know all of this will fall back on me... because she doesn't work or drive and she is still really immature (somewhere between 12-15yo psychologically). I have been praying that God will turn her heart toward adoption but so far that is not happening. She will be 18 when the baby is born in February. So I have recently begun praying that God will turn MY heart toward this baby if HIS WILL is for her to keep him... but so far that is not happening either. I am so frustrated and I really don't know how to get to a place where I am okay with all of these changes in my dreams for our future. Two of my coworkers are giving her a baby shower in January. My mom wants to give her some baby things and people keep asking about the baby's room. So far, I keep refusing to accept or prepare for this baby. I feel guilty for not being supportive but at the same time, she is so far from being ready to be a parent and I don't want her to have to deal with the abuse and dysfunction of the baby daddy and his family for the rest of her life. If she were capable of driving and working and budgeting and taking care of her own day-to-day needs, I would be so much more supportive... but I DO NOT want to raise another baby and I DO NOT want her to have to live with me for the rest of my life. Ugggggh! I am so frustrated and I feel like no one understands!! I really just needed to vent in a safe place....
RE: Pregnant Teen with SPD - Beyond Frustrated - Jaffa - 12-01-2012
Oh boy, I feel for you. Your daughter is of age to make that decision, although i understand mentally she isnt, if you push her she will say you made her do it and hold it against you for ever.
Has she got a health visitor who you can discuss together the problems.
I am a foster carer and the baby I have at the moment was born to a mum who couldn't cope. She gave it a whirl and did ask social services to help. In the end she couldn't commit to him so he is now being adopted. There are no hard and fast rules to when you decide to ask social services to help or keep them as long as you show you are trying. If it gets too much and you feel the baby isnt being looked after sufficiently then you need to step in and get the authorities involved if you dont want to take over. If she does decide to try then you have to step back and let her see for herself how difficult it is and then she can make the right choices. If you have health visitor you need to mention the fathers family and their problems and she will keep a good eye on the situation.
Good luck.
RE: Pregnant Teen with SPD - Beyond Frustrated - LAC1961 - 12-03-2012
I'm sending extra hugs your way! I hear your concerns and totally understand them. I view what you've written from several different vantage points. First, as an "older" mom who feels like the active parenting time in her life is winding down, I understand your feelings that you don't want to start all over raising another child, which I agree based on what you've written, you will probably end up doing if the child is not adopted. Second, I am a trained foster parent and have seen or heard about your very situation numerous times. Third, I'm an adoptive mother of a beautiful girl, whose teenage mother found after 21 months, she just couldn't care for her any more--and didn't want to either. Fourth, I am a Probate Court Clerk, and in 20 years as such, I've seen your situation played out in the court too many times to count. In my experience, it is likely your daughter will make an attempt to parent the child for a short time, probably unsuccessfully, and you will seek guardianship or termination of her parental rights through the court. Your daughter has the right to consent at that time to having her parental rights terminated, at which time you could accept guardianship of your grandchild or contact an adoption agency about placing the child for adoption. Although placing the child at birth is sometimes easier for all involved, children under age 2 are eagerly waited for by adoptive parents. If your daughter does not bond with the baby or neglects the baby, don't put off seeking court involvement or contacting an adoption agency who will help you maneuver the entire process from termination of parental rights to adoption. It takes a lot of courage to place a child for adoption, and I've met many people who feel guilty about giving up a grandchild, so they keep and raise the grandchild even though they really don't want to. In the end, even though you would likely love and provide good care for the child, accept your gut feeling and go with it. You may not know what is best until the baby is born, but if you still feel the same afterward, I pray you will have the courage to proceed with termination and adoption. I'd be happy to share more of my personal experiences with the termination and adoption process if you would like to private message me.