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Hi - moonlightblonde - 03-17-2013
Just making my way around the boards right now. Looking forward to getting to know some of you.
I had honestly never heard of SPD before last week. I ended up picking up a random book at a Chapter's about it and it sounded exactly like me as a child. I am almost 24 years old and am honestly just screwed up. Always have been.
It almost made me mad how obvious I fit into this category. I have a counselor that comes to my house every few weeks. She urged me to go see my doctor so I did in December. She was flip flopping between insisting that I sound like every other new mom that comes in, to wanting to put me on anti-depressants and get me in with the psychologist.
I have two children (4.5 years, and 11 months) & cannot stand how debilitated I feel.
I hate that no one understands me, & that dp thinks I am ridiculous a lot of the time. I freak right out in cars. I can't stand the motion. I feel sick the entire time. I claw up my arms/neck/back as a way to cope. I can deal with short drives with a purpose but last weekend he was driving around killing time with me in the car and I almost broke down crying. It was not fun with me. I HAD to get out.
I get touched out easily - really fun with a nursing cosleeper.
I can't stand large crowds and often retreat.
Fluorescent lights give me headaches.
Scents give me headaches.
Vomiting is a huge phobia of mine. As a child I would throw out any outfit I wore while I got sick & can remember every instance in detail (only 5-6 times ever). As a child I always lined up towels on the floor along the side of my bed and out my bedroom door in case I threw up in the night so that it would be easy to cleanup and wouldn't ruin the carpet. I never ever threw up over the side of the bed, not sure why I did this but it was a good 6 years that I couldn't sleep without my towels.
My daughter gets car sick which really doesn't help with my unease in vehicles. Dp doesn't understand why I literally cannot deal with cleaning the bowl. I will sooner cry and have a panic attack.
The only way I can sleep to this day is on the side of the bed closest to the door with a pillow under my knees, a soft blanket against me, then the sheet and then the comforter. It must be like this year round. In the summer I use a fan and once I get used to that it takes a long time for me to be able to change that.
He has given up trying to teach me anything. Deemed me unteachable because I get frustrated and give up. I just don't understand instructions like I should.
I can't drive right now because I let my license expire. We live in a small town which means I am trapped. The thought of a person sitting there judging me causes me to get sick. It is the same fear I get for something as simple as someone hearing me play an instrument. I LIKE flute. I played it through high school and was pretty good, but ask me to play alone and I can't do it. I can't do anything when people are watching me. I don't do anything 'right'.
Sorry this is long and all over the place. I have another appointment the end of the month and I am hoping that I get an appointment for the psychologist. I have a feeling that the doctor is going to push antidepressants again but I don't feel depressed. Anxious, extremely but not depressed.
I don't handle change well. I moved 8 hours away from friends and family a year ago. Probably one of the worst decisions ever and now there is nothing I can do about it.
I guess I left out a lot - I was in speech therapy through a lot of grade school. I also had appointments with the school social worker a fair bit. I don't remember a whole lot about it though. I thought it was mostly because I was tongue tied but I have a feeling there is a lot the adults didn't tell me.
When I was 12 I lost 30lbs because I didn't like the taste of food/feel of swallowing. They diagnosed me with an eating disorder and I was in and out of different therapies for years. At some point I started cutting. I was raped by a 'friend' when I was 17.
I also cry any time I talk about me & always have.
I was recently tested for celiacs too.
RE: Hi - moonlightblonde - 03-17-2013
I keep thinking of more random things, last weekend we stayed in a hotel (I brought my own blanket) & I had to run back up to our room to change my socks because they felt 'wrong' and the seam was going to bother me all day + it didn't have the right level of cushioning. Dp and my sister looked at me like I was an alien when I spent 15 minutes when we were on our way out to change my socks.
My older daughter has learned that cuddling mum means back to back at most & that cuddling daddy is a better idea. People can absolutely not touch me while I sleep or if I feel sick. It truly amazes me that I am able to nurse the baby.
I am trying to convince dp to let me get rid of our play mat/toy bins and get something less colourful. As it is it overwhelms me even when 'clean' & when things are cluttered/messy I shut down and get incredibly cranky.
I chew gum to help myself calm down. I must have gum available on car rides. As a teen I went through 2-3 packs a day. I am down to a piece or two a day.
I cannot physically swallow liquid or food while in any type of moving vehicle. I have difficulty swallowing saliva while moving. I also can't drink sitting down. I only like cold beverages.
Taking me out to eat at a restaurant was torture and not the 'birthday treat' my parents intended. Most of my birthdays were spent crying, begging my parents not to make me go out. I was incredibly picky - not liking foods because of textures, colours or smells. I DO try more things now but am still really particular about what I will eat.
I can't comprehend someone reading something out loud to me (unless I have a copy I can follow) or talk radio.
All homework was done after midnight when everyone in my house was asleep because I couldn't do it with background music & noise. My dad thought I should just 'get used to it'. Things would take me 4+ hours with noise or 5-10 minutes in silence. I NEED pitch black to sleep.
Does this sound like spd? will my doctor think I am nuts suggesting it?
RE: Hi - heather40 - 03-18-2013
This last post you put up sounds like it, it sounds like because of no help for so long you had to try and find ways to cope on your own. I am sorry for that. If he won't let you change the toy bins get contact paper and put it on the fonts of them. The colors are too over stimulating for you, then you need to do something about it! It is sad that so many people as children went undiagnosed and have had to find their own ways to cope as they got older. I have an 8 year old son with SPD and my boyfriend does as well, he is 50 and didn't realize what was wrong with him until he met me! The play mat, get a area rug to put over it, or paint it a solid color!
Have you seen an OT? Tried weighted blankets for sleeping or in the car? Check out what some of the other adults post on here and maybe you can take some ideas from them. My son could never be hugged until he started in therapy when he was younger, he still has to be asked if it is ok to touch him, mostly by other people not so much me. He cannot handle a lot of noise around him, he eats lunch at school in a classroom, some smells to him are horrible, the sock thing! OMG! I have been there with him!!!! Clothing textures huge issue. You will be ok, you now have an idea of what it could possibly be and with having that information you can find ways to help yourself so you can feel better!!!! This is a great site and the people on here are wonderful. You will be ok!!!!
RE: Hi - moonlightblonde - 03-18-2013
(03-18-2013, 08:02 AM)heather40 Wrote: This last post you put up sounds like it, it sounds like because of no help for so long you had to try and find ways to cope on your own. I am sorry for that. If he won't let you change the toy bins get contact paper and put it on the fonts of them. The colors are too over stimulating for you, then you need to do something about it! It is sad that so many people as children went undiagnosed and have had to find their own ways to cope as they got older. I have an 8 year old son with SPD and my boyfriend does as well, he is 50 and didn't realize what was wrong with him until he met me! The play mat, get a area rug to put over it, or paint it a solid color!
Have you seen an OT? Tried weighted blankets for sleeping or in the car? Check out what some of the other adults post on here and maybe you can take some ideas from them. My son could never be hugged until he started in therapy when he was younger, he still has to be asked if it is ok to touch him, mostly by other people not so much me. He cannot handle a lot of noise around him, he eats lunch at school in a classroom, some smells to him are horrible, the sock thing! OMG! I have been there with him!!!! Clothing textures huge issue. You will be ok, you now have an idea of what it could possibly be and with having that information you can find ways to help yourself so you can feel better!!!! This is a great site and the people on here are wonderful. You will be ok!!!!
Thanks, the mat is actually gone today - dd1 got sick in the car yesterday and for some reason dp brought the carseat in the house and put it on the alphabet mat and removed the straps THERE so there was dried puke on the mat. He just wanted to vacuum it up and use a cloth to clean it...I took that thing apart and am either going to bleach it or toss it. We really need SOMETHING over there - it is an addition to the house and the floor is ice cold right now. We don't really have money right now to buy a new toy storage thing or a rug =/
We live in a REALLLLLLY small town in Canada. I doubt there are any OT around and because of my issues I don't have a license right now/don't have any hope of passing an in car exam which is what I need to drive.
RE: Hi - Rinne - 03-22-2013
It sounds like there's a very high chance that you've got SPD from everything you've said. Could you get Dp to drive you to an OT, if you could find someone somewhere else?
I'll second things like weighted blankets. Use one in the car, as well. Fiddle toys - gives you something else to focus on. An OT would probably really help with the brushing protocol - you might find a lot of relief in that.
Music can be very helpful (e.g. classical/relaxing music), or white noise.