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+--- Thread: 6 year old hurting other kids - please help! (/thread-950.html)
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6 year old hurting other kids - please help! - Kate_M - 06-13-2013
Hi all,
it is really shaming to admit this, because I've always considered my son to be generally good - and that's the feedback we've always gotten from creches/nursery schools and from his preschools.
However, suddenly this year, his first in "big" school, things are just going haywire.
he last bit a child at age 2, we've never gotten feedback that he shows any kinds of bullying behaviour - he's actually really small for his age (kids 1-2 years younger are often his height/taller).
Earlier this year we had a note from the teacher saying he had bitten a boy. He refused to tell her any details, so it was only after I dug and dug that my son told me it was when they had to line up (they have a set order) and the boy behind held onto the boy in front and wouldn't let him into his place in line. He panicked and bit him.
then earlier this month, the aftercare called me in and told me he hit another 6 year old girl - slapped her face - because she told him she was going to take his toy car away and he would never see it again, then snatched the car out of his hand.
now we heard that he has bitten someone at aftercare - the teacher told me a girl brushed past him when he was sitting at a table doing homework. He tells me she pushed in front of him in line to read to the teacher. It doesn't really matter (except that lines seem to be a bit problem).
This is NOT how I know my boy. He doesn't do this at home, doesn't act this way with his siblings or cousins.
This is the first year he's been in a "proper" school with rigid routine, uniform (tactile issue!!!), AND he has 30 other kids in the class with him, plus the teacher, plus often a teaching aide/intern. He has big modulation problems and he is just not coping at all.
I'm just giving this as background because I really need advice of how to deal with this.
The aftercare told me that the girl he bit this last time was hitting his head to make him let go. Afterwards when they asked why he bit her, he said because she hit him, then they said no - she was hitting you to make you stop biting, and he apparently looked completely surprised and just said oh. It's like this is pure reflex and it's not a conscious decision he makes.
so how do we stop this??? I honestly just don't know what to do anymore. We've talked it over, we've discussed and brainstormed other things he can do, we've practiced over and over what he can do if something like this happens - nothing seems to combat the in-the-moment reflex/impulse action.
Please, I beg of you, if you have anything you can suggest or recommend, please comment. I honestly don't even know what to say to the staff/teachers anymore when they tell me things like this. I'm so dissappointed in him, but at the same time I don't know how to handle this, because it seems like it's unconscious, not malicious. how do you punish them for something they didn't deep-down decide to do - and yes, we do punish him for every instance, but I feel like it's a token punishment and not getting to the root of what is making him do this.
Thanks for reading if you got this far.
RE: 6 year old hurting other kids - please help! - Kate_M - 06-19-2013
... so I'm the first person with an SPD child who bites? Somehow I find that hard to believe.
I wish this place was as helpful as I had hoped.
Guess I'll need to find advice and support elsewhere.
RE: 6 year old hurting other kids - please help! - LAC1961 - 06-20-2013
I've experienced kids biting, but they did not have SPD, so I'm not sure it's definitely connected to the SPD except that I've read that most kids with SPD are developmentally about one-third of their chronological age behind, so if you're son is 6, that would make him 4 developmentally, and I have heard of 4 year olds biting when they're stressed. The book, Effective Parenting for the Hard to Manage Child may supply with some helpful info or guidance.
I've posted many times that the Feingold Diet helped my daughter with behavioral outbursts, meltdowns and anger, so I can't repeat enough that I think everyone should try it. If the biting is related to frustration or anger, I think it would disappear on the diet. It's not easy to begin, but after 3-4 weeks you get used to it and after a couple of months it becomes a normal way for your family to eat. It is worth all the hours of shopping to comply with the diet to see my daughter wake up happy and singing every morning, going from 5-6 meltdowns a day to 5 in the last six months, and even those were related to giving her a food not allowed on the diet.
I encourage you to stick with this forum but be realistic that not every post will get replies. I've posted things that have not been responded to for a long time or ever. But the support and encouragement I've gotten since I joined have gotten me through some pretty low times. Please be patient with us. We're all dealing with children whose needs are very demanding and difficult. Sometimes I only make it here once a week (if that) to catch up.
RE: 6 year old hurting other kids - please help! - heather40 - 06-23-2013
My son used to bite when he was about 3 or 4 when he was stressed out. Then it moved to hitting as he got older, now it is his mouth and talking back. He will be nine on Thursday! I have seen his aggression get worse in a situation when he is very angry with a person. That scares me.
RE: 6 year old hurting other kids - please help! - Maggie in VA - 07-05-2013
Kate, at first I just wanted to reach out to say I understand how frustrating it is when you post to a support forum and don't get answers, but l do have a similar experience -- but not a solution. Unfortunately, with so many manifestations of this disorder, some behaviors will only be know to a few, if any. Second, I know how embarrassing it is when your child is hurting others in day care. My Bobby has hit or pushed children in day care, and it always carries the worrisome possibility that if the behavior escalates, he might be expelled.
When my son was about 10-15 months old, I would give him "horsey rides" around the house on my back. But I had to be very careful about doing so, because he would grab my hair in both his hands and refuse to let go. Indeed, if I didn't have another adult around to help me (and occasionally when I did), I would have to reach back and rap him on the head with my knuckles to make him cry to get him to let go. People who helped me said he appeared to be in a kind of trance state when this occurred. This was one of the first warnings I had of his sensory processing issues, but he wasn't being seen by an OT yet. And he outgrew it before we ever developed a better response.
Would your school tolerate allowing him to chew (sugarless) gum as an accommodation? I wonder whether having his mouth busy might deter him from using biting as a response to frustration?
Wishing you well!
Maggie
RE: 6 year old hurting other kids - please help! - heather40 - 07-12-2013
What about having a "P" tube on hand
RE: 6 year old hurting other kids - please help! - Kate_M - 07-25-2013
Hi all,
LAC -thanks again, and I really appreciate your guidance re the Feingold diet a lot. Unfortunately as I don't live in the USA, I can't buy the actual list. We are avoiding as much as we can based on the info you shared, but without an actual list this is never going to be a full-on Feingold.
My frustration stems from that point of pure desparation that I'm sure we've all experienced. When nothing is working and you feel like you must be doing it all wrong because otherwise something would work, wouldn't it? And to be honest, there is so little support out there, even less where I am. This is never going to be an easy road, but imagine your own path without the Feingold list, without the services- healthcare and in school support. Without most of the therapies and alternatives you know of, within a reasonable distance - at least within your own country.
... I thought this forum would offer some insight and support, and being in the thick of everything at it's peak with my son, I really needed that insight and support. It seemed cruel that the site seemed to offer that (it is called spdsupport after all), yet it wasn't forthcoming.
So I'll apologise for my comment - I just really wasn't in a good place. Sorry for that - I hope the above sheds some light on why I said what I did.
heather - the anger also scares me at times, but I'm happy to report that we've make some real progress recently, without even really noticing... and the anger has lessened to a great degree
Maggie - I so appreciate your sympathetic response - thank you! the school has asked that we only try 1 thing at a time so that they can tell what is working and what isn't. His biting (and hitting) only seems to occur when he's in a line. This seems to be a really big problem for him, but it seems our requests have been heard at school and the aftercare program as we haven't had anything else reported in some time. We asked that he be moved either to the very front or back of the line so that he's only getting input from 1 side.
Thanks everyone.
RE: 6 year old hurting other kids - please help! - LAC1961 - 07-25-2013
Kate, No apology necessary! We've all been where you are--usually many times. I was so low when I joined this forum that I was ready to quit it after one day because of one unsympathetic comment a member made. The forum moderator sent me a private message that made me feel better, and it's been mostly good since then. One thing I have to remind myself often is that the written word without the benefit of tone and facial expressions can often come across differently than what was intended, so I try to give people the benefit of believing they weren't trying to be a jerk
I'm glad the limited Feingold information is helping you. Feel free to PM me if you have additional questions or specific foods that your son eats regularly and you want guidance about what brands are approved to see if you can get them in your area.
I agree with Heather about the "P" tube (chewable tube) There is also chewable jewelry (for boys and girls) and gum. The one approved on Feingold is Glee Gum, which you can purchase on Amazon or iHerb.
RE: 6 year old hurting other kids - please help! - Kate_M - 07-26-2013
Hi again.
Thanks LAC - I'll have to check into the glee gum - YAY for it being on Amazon!
He loves chewing gum and it will be great to have one that's "safe". M still puts his fingers in his mouth when he's really tired / heading for overload so we definitely need a chew thingy. I'll have to check with the school re chewelry - I think they don't mind chew tubes or something inconspicuous, they might not be keen on something more so. I will PM as well - but do they list any Mayonnaises that are ok? M LOVES tuna-mayo and chicken-mayo and as these are protein-dense I *want* to use these as sandwich fillings for school breaks (recess?). But I really hate using mayo when I KNOW every brand we see in the normal stores has TBHQ and colourants in them.
And ALL the mayo-type dressings are the same. I know I could technically make my own, but I would really worry about food poisoning with it not being treated - raw egg thing and all.
lol on giving people the benefit, think that's very wise
RE: 6 year old hurting other kids - please help! - tired mom - 07-26-2013
My daughter is a sensory seeker and used to bite me a lot but at least so far has not hurt other kids. But she uses too much force and plays a little too rough for some kids.
Can you even get him evaluated where you live? If not, all I can think of is to get on the internet and try to figure it out yourself. It may not be recommended, but that's what I'd try, if you don't have other options. Like if you think its SPD and brushing might help, maybe you buy one on the internet and find a youtube video about how to do it.
Can you home school where you live?