Hello all,
I was hoping for a little advise here. One question I am constantly asking myself...Is my little guy being defiant or is this his SPD. For example, last night we were all getting ready for dinner. The one time of day where all of us are together as a family. Wifey made a great meal for her and I and heated up some leftover pizza for the kids. We thought....alright a dinner without complaints in that my little guy likes plain cheese pizza. WRONG!!!

He asked for a cookie about 15 minutes before dinner...I told him....OK...one small cookie before dinner....but you have to eat your dinner. "OK Dad" he says. My wife laughed and obviously knew I opened pandoras box.

Dinner is on and ready...I call the kids in and he doesn't want to eat pizza. He wants cookies...I tell him no...but if he eats his dinner he can have a cookie after dinner. He then says....No I want just one cookie now. I reply...."after dinner pal if you eat your dinnner." He then begins to repeat himself to us....just one cookie...just one cookie..etc...etc.

I then get down on his level and tell him he has to sit at the table with us and eat dinner. He says...."I will eat pizza in the playroom." uhjhhhh....thats a big no from me. I tell him he has to eat with the family. He then tries to pull his plate off th e table to take into the play room. I kindly tell him no and push it aside.

He begins to meltdown and I take him into the other room to calm down. Once he calms down he comes to the table and tries to get his plate to take into the play room. I kindly tell him no..he then begins to throw a fit. I carry him up to his room and we sit in there while he calms down. I gave him the option to sit at the table and eat his dinner w the family or go to the playroom and play nice while we eat dinner. He chose the second option and went to the playroom to play quietly.

How can we determine if he is being defiant or it is his SPD? Sometimes it is difficult to tell which is which if this makes any sense. I know he was really tired at the end of the day yesterday and sometimes when he is tired his wick is far shorter.
Thank you for any advice,
Frubsdad

I think the frustrating answer is it could be both. It sounds like it may have been SPD meltdowns resulting from his frustration of you enforcing reasonable rules. Here is something I came across:

http://www.spdbloggernetwork.com/2011/05...-behavior/

With my own DS, even if I know a decision I make, rule I have, or telling him no will result in a meltdown I still do it and enforce the rule as calmly as I can and help him through the meltdown. For me I think rules and guidelines are important and necessary, even if it will trigger something, but I would not go above and beyond to be so rigid just to agitate him (I would not say "you must sit quietly at the dinner table for 20 minutes," because I see that as unfair, but 5 minutes of staying in our company is good practice even when he will not eat). Food especially can be a big battle, and I see it as we as parents are the ones to make sure they are getting the nutrients they need, so I am especially strict on this one (no treats until healthy food is eaten).

I agree, you have to stick to your guns but make the amount of time shorter and then build it up. Rules are rules and they need to be followed even if it means having to listen to some screaming! You can learn from your own mistakes too ( don't take offense). SPD is a learning experience for all involved, we have to see what works and does not work. You can make a sign and put it on the playroom wall.. " No eating" ( circle with a line though it) this is a visual aid that can reinforce your rules that will help him understand it more clearly. Set a timer for sitting at the table. ' No, I am sorry you have to sit with the family tonight, but can you do it for me for 5 min and we can set the timer". They love structure and knowing when something is going to happen and end. If you let your son eat in there you have to let your daughter and she is watching everything! Visual aids are great, timers, calendars, picture cards, ( free online) schedules, behavior charts, etc...

Hey Kath and Heather,
Thanks for taking the time out of your day to reply and providing with some advice. Everything is a huge learning curve since it is all so new. Lots of communication is needed between everybody in the family which is a good thing in general. I read somewhere where somebody called their son/daughter with spd their "gift of patience". They couldn't be closer to the truth...and certainly use the phrase for myself....because a child with spd requires so much patience from everybody.
Thank You,
Frubsdad

Hi, Frubsdad, I am going through similar daily quandaries, and more so as I become more aware of how Bobby's SPD influences his behavior. I have something of a control in that Bobby is a twin, and when his brother isn't engaging in a similar behavior and I can figure out the stimulation pathway, then I have a good idea it's SPD-related. But that's not perfect, because Freddy picks up on his brother's misbehavior for cues.

We have similar struggles about eating at the table, the more so, I think, because I will let them have a finger food meal in the family room at the coffee table as a treat. We're still troubleshooting that. We reintroduced booster seats with straps, but they're very resistant about it, so that creates a struggle in its own right, *sigh*. Those struggles have been magnified lately as they have had two nasty stomach bugs within a month, with associated loss of appetite, and both their not feeling good and the loss of appetite have made us waver on how much slack to cut them.

And, I have to say, Freddy's behaviors can be as disruptive as Bobby's or more so, despite not having something clinically "wrong" with him. Freddy is a super-clingy little boy, and while he is universally deemed adorable and gets more positive attention than Bob, he tends to be selfish and demanding. Bobby, SPD and all, can be a very helpful little boy, especially when you engage him, while Freddy doesn't even seem to have a concept of helping. They're *both* my gifts of patience. The associate pastor of my church confided that her son had SPD and encouraged me as she said her son outgrew most of his behaviors. I told her I wondered whether I need to get in harness for the idea that I have a special needs child, and she replied, "*All* children are special needs children." I made some kind of neutral response, then tried to process whether that was a platitude or a genuinely useful reflection. And I guess what it comes down to is just because a child doesn't have a diagnosis doesn't mean he won't be a PITA.

Maggie

I only know from my son and other people who have tried, but restraining causes more problems. You are talking about touch, possible phobia of not being able to move, etc... That could be the cause of not liking the booster seats. I can't say I agree with the "outgrowing" of SPD. My friend told me that too, that her son "outgrew' it. I don't think so. I think you learn to "adapt". Your sensory system is not wired correctly it just doesn't rewire itself. My friend's son has more problems as a teenager, he has tried to commit suicide, she has had to have him in therapy in a hosp., he was very odd as he got holder, severe temper , he never had early intervention, both him and his brother were very spoiled, not that has anything to do with anything, but there wasn't any structure. If you were able to outgrow it I think there wouldn't be adults on here with the issues. Just my own personal opinion, I think it is more of learning how to adapt to your situations, and that comes from therapy, support, etc. Learning how to use those coping skills that were taught to you through out life. I would not want you to sit on this belief that it could possibly be outgrown, that is not fair to you. It is through a lot of patience, consistency, a few bottles of wine, but it will pay off in the end. We are not given anything we cannot handle. I was given this child because I can handle this, because I was meant to help other children with similar issues, it is very overwhelming and takes a selfless person to do it. I know you can and in return you will be rewarded with the most awesome person ever! Once you get the behavioral patterns in play, the "sensory diet' down it will be easier!!!! We are all here for you !!!!!!

(01-29-2013, 04:05 PM)frubsdad Wrote: Hello all,
I was hoping for a little advise here. One question I am constantly asking myself...Is my little guy being defiant or is this his SPD. For example, last night we were all getting ready for dinner. The one time of day where all of us are together as a family. Wifey made a great meal for her and I and heated up some leftover pizza for the kids. We thought....alright a dinner without complaints in that my little guy likes plain cheese pizza. WRONG!!!

He asked for a cookie about 15 minutes before dinner...I told him....OK...one small cookie before dinner....but you have to eat your dinner. "OK Dad" he says. My wife laughed and obviously knew I opened pandoras box.

Dinner is on and ready...I call the kids in and he doesn't want to eat pizza. He wants cookies...I tell him no...but if he eats his dinner he can have a cookie after dinner. He then says....No I want just one cookie now. I reply...."after dinner pal if you eat your dinnner." He then begins to repeat himself to us....just one cookie...just one cookie..etc...etc.

I then get down on his level and tell him he has to sit at the table with us and eat dinner. He says...."I will eat pizza in the playroom." uhjhhhh....thats a big no from me. I tell him he has to eat with the family. He then tries to pull his plate off th e table to take into the play room. I kindly tell him no and push it aside.

He begins to meltdown and I take him into the other room to calm down. Once he calms down he comes to the table and tries to get his plate to take into the play room. I kindly tell him no..he then begins to throw a fit. I carry him up to his room and we sit in there while he calms down. I gave him the option to sit at the table and eat his dinner w the family or go to the playroom and play nice while we eat dinner. He chose the second option and went to the playroom to play quietly.

How can we determine if he is being defiant or it is his SPD? Sometimes it is difficult to tell which is which if this makes any sense. I know he was really tired at the end of the day yesterday and sometimes when he is tired his wick is far shorter.
Thank you for any advice,
Frubsdad

---

Hi Dad, I read your post, and I could really relate. I have spent so much energy trying to determine whether my kids behaviors were sensory related or just plain old kid stuff...I believe that it is a bit of both. After all , while your child has sensory issues, he still is a child who will pass through all the normal trials and challenges that every other child goes through. The difference is, that your child has sensory issues, and most likely those sensory issues are going to make your job a little harder. The only thing that this dynamic changes is how you deal with it. You still have to deal with the undesirable behavior. I don't worry so much anymore about whether it is sensory related or just typical kid stuff. It really does not matter. Focus more on the skills you have learned that reach your kid. My twin are seven, and I have had to learn "out of the box' ways in order to teach them, mold them. Regardless whether the behavior is sensory related or typical kid stuff, you still have to deal with it. The only thing that changes is your approach. Do what you know works whether you think it is sensory related or otherwise. When I read your post, it seems to me that you are on the right path...keep doing that. By the way, I have a bolg that I have written to share with other parents my hands on experience with my twin boys. I know how difficult, scary, and confusing it is to raise kids with sensory issues. I have written my blog in hopes that by sharing I can help other. qannie47.blogspot.com
Hope this helps qannie47

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