On Friday I received a call from my 4 year old's school asking me to pick her up. Her behavior was out of control, and I needed to take her home. She was throwing toys, biting, pulling people's hair and kicking at adults. This is brand new behavior that started just this week. (It happened at Sunday school as well.) I knew she was having a challenging time, because she was really struggling with the fact that my husband was going to be out of town for two weeks - but this was far more than I ever anticipated.

As the school's OT tried to hold my daughter on her lap and explain the day's events to me, I just sat on the floor in the hallway and cried. I cried for my daughter - that everyday is a struggle, I cried for me - that at every pick up I hold my breath wondering what the teacher is going to report today, and I cried for the hopelessness of it all: I am doing everything I can for her and still it is not enough.

And my daughter, she wiggled and laughed and smiled. She was so happy that I was there to get her. She showed no understanding of what she did and only showed a reaction when I told her that there would be consequences for her behavior - no going to the movie theater to see Lion King.

I'm dreading taking her to school on Monday. No matter what I read and learn about SPD I keep thinking that if I was a better parent it wouldn't be THIS bad. And it's impossible to believe that the people around me aren't thinking the same thing.

I feel so desperate and so alone. (I am grateful that I found this site!) I simply don't know what to do anymore. Monday morning my daughter's special ed team leader will call me, and I am out of ideas. We knew this school might not be the right fit for my daughter, but at this point I have no idea if there is a good fit out there. I feel beaten down. I am exhausted from trying to be pro-active and prevent certain behaviors, and I am too tired to deal with the behaviors I can't prevent. I don't know how to help her, and I have no idea how to advocate for her anymore.