I apologize in advance because I tried to make this as positive as I could. I've only recently been diagnosed and I haven't yet begun OT, so I'm still not sure what is normal or what is SPD related and I haven't begun to work on a single issue yet. My fiancé isn't being supportive whatsoever because he just doesn't understand.. I've never felt less alone in my entire life after reading people's stories on here though. I always felt like people didn't understand what I was complaining about, but I got it forced in my head pretty quickly that I'm just whiney, lazy, self-centered, misbehaved and altogether "bad" for the way I act when I experience these sensations.
When I was a child, I refused to speak to people besides my mother father and brother. I didn't know why but other people seemed too "different"- their mannerisms and voices were unlike my family and it didn't feel good.. I know now its that compared to my family, everyone else seems too loud and intrusive.
I was so young when I insisted on dressing myself. I hated the things my mama put on me, there was one day where she put a shirt on me that exposed my belly. It's all I could think about all day, I kept pulling it down until I was almost ripping it. My mother says that day I had the worst tantrum she'd yet seen; I was screaming and kicking on the floor and trying to claw at the shirt and my skin. She says it really scared her how much I hurt myself. Now I know it's because I can't wear tight clothing or belly shirts, the exposure of my sensitive tummy skin is too much to handle. I can't wear jeans or anything tight either. I also was "afraid" of baths & pools, I never learned how to swim. I get too cold after, and my sensitivity to temperature is VERY strong and causes pain. (I only learned yesterday that it isn't normal to feel burning on the skin when the temperature is higher than "comfort zone" or feel painful pins and needles when it's lower. If I can feel the change, even 2-3 degrees, I'll feel the pain rush over me until I regulate my temperature. I always need to carry a hoodie, or a backpack to put my jacket in, etc. my feet can't be hot or cold, so in summer I must wear flip flops and in winter it's strictly boots.
I had the hardest time as a teenager. I've always been very advanced intellectually, and I was constantly trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me. I was filled with so much misplaced hatred and anger toward myself for being so "bad" and screwed up in the head. I used drugs very heavily to numb this mental anguish. I held the record high in middle school for suspensions. I was a "ringleader" and would act up so bad against the teacher that I'd get the entire class in on it. I was expelled from four different schools, kicked out of my house and forced to live with multiple relatives, etc. This perpetuated my self-hatred, I felt unlovable and unfixable. I grew into this persona, being the worst kid. It lead to several arrests and so many dark places I won't even mention. I had tons of friends but could only spend one on one time with a small few, otherwise I can't stop paying attention to all of the sounds etc that make me uncomfortable, or actually very angry. I tend to snap at people, I get so irritable I can't help it.
People have always called me out for my "quirks"- food has to be its "proper" serving temperature like pizza and coffee must be hot. I must not taste the same taste for more than a couple bites or else I'll feel nauseous. I'll use 3 separate dips if I need to. I can't eat or smell ANYTHING that has made me vomit (even if I threw up for another reason). Cough syrup, corn, rice, scrambled eggs, alcohol, burps.... I can't finish that list, eww ugh but it's incredibly long. I never knew "normal" people didn't actually feel physically ill when they say a smell makes them feel sick. Any smell that is negative, I feel vomit churning in my stomach. If I smell it for more than a second or two, I will actually vomit. (I've heard that adults that weren't treated as children grow a strong physical reaction to the negative stimuli.) These things annoy the hell out of everyone around me. I'm constantly asking to turn the volume down, stop sniffling, stop tapping, stop blowing smoke at me, please don't touch me, I can't eat that, I can't do that, it's too cold, it's too hot, me me me me... So I can't handle being around people anymore again, like when I was a child. I've stopped leaving my house to avoid the intrusive, uncontrollable environment in the huge city of Philadelphia. My fiancé hates that he has to do everything that involves leaving. He forces me to walk to the corner store at least once a week. I also have to go to a lot of appointments, but I always miss them. It takes me so long to get ready, I get so frustrated and agitated that I break down crying and can't leave. Again, my fiancé just thinks its me being whiney and lazy. He's really a sweet amazing man that loves me and wants the best for me, he just doesn't understand that this is a real disorder yet. I've been going through something else, getting off of a physically addictive medication I've been on for many years (I don't do drugs anymore). This medication numbed me and made all of these things easier to ignore. They were still there, I've been agoraphobic for two years now, but just duller. Now they're all at height sensitivity and I just can't stop crying. All day. I still feel so trapped and lost; I'm really sorry for being such a downer but I haven't begun to even work on this yet...
Despite all of this, I've had a few hobbies here and there. Before the meds, I loved writing and painting and crafting. The meds numbed that too, sadly. I'm obsessed with music because I've relied on it my entire life to block out the intrusive world. I hate the outdoors now, but I used to love living near a creek where I could catch frogs and just watch the beautiful thriving life beneath the water. I absolutely love animals, back at home my mother and I had 15 different frog habitats, 2 gecko habitats, and a hermit crabitat! As well as as many cats as we could handle, and my fathers house is full of my doggies. My fiancé and I have a cat, she's the light of my life. Petting cats has always been a huge comfort, I could be so broken down crying but if my cat came up to lay in my lap I'd forget all about it! I've grown to love things I can do from home. Video games, horror movies, and researching anything. I can read a Wikipedia page like most people watch tv. I was very into photography over the summer, because during the summer if its 75-82 degrees I can go outside in the yard and stuff. (During winter I cannot leave, it's just too cold. When I do I'm in so much pain the whole time.) I used to model as well but it became too uncomfortable.
When I start making any progress, when the quality of my life raises from the dirt low its at, I'd like to make a new more positive intro. My head just isn't there, yet. I'm so glad to have found this niche, although I'm really confused as to why people think this is only a disorder in children...? Why don't they realize that children decades ago suffered through pure hell and are currently living uncomfortable, low quality lives, totally unaware that they aren't "bad" people? It makes me kind of mad that I've finally found out what's been wrong with me but there's very little help for me as an adult... Well I'm still young, 23, so I hope there's hope for me yet. Sorry for this being too long.. Really, sorry.