I wrote this as sort of a recollection of ideas, memories, and feelings that have led me up to where I am today. This is SPD related, and will deal with all that I deal with as I write more. I might shift voices from first to third, or even second sometimes.

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Close your eyes for a minute, and let your ears do the seeing for you. Now, focus in on every little sound in the background. Do you hear it? The baby’s cry somewhere behind you, the high pitched beep from the bus, and the sound of air releasing from the door being opened. That low pitched buzz or hum from electronics. All the people around you talking, laughing, whining or complaining. All of it whipping around in a mangled mess of sound. Now, imagine all of those sounds coming at you 10 times louder than they actually are. Every little sound throws your attention off, and makes your head spin and pound as if you had just come off a roller coaster. What are you to do? What are you able to do? Nothing... Nothing but try and make do with what you have. Nothing but a backpack and a pad of paper to let your frustrations and cries out on. You can't physically cry now.. No. People are watching, laughing and talking. They assume you're just tired, but in reality you're already on the verge of a melt down from sounds alone. Your skin starts to feel like it's being stabbed with needles repeatedly. Your neck, your wrists... Your shirt is too tight, the tag you forgot to rip out is burning. Your jeans don't fit right, and the seam is riding up and itching your legs and ankles. Yet everyone around you looks at you as if you're crazy...

This is your daily life. The lightest bump against your skin makes it crawl and makes you cringe. Yet you hide this from others in fear of being “weird” again. Bright lights in a room cause you big pain, yet you’re too shy to ask for them to be dimmed or turned off; too scared to ask for help. Many a shirt have been ripped and ruined in the midst of a meltdown, when frantically you have to tear off the tags and any loose strings because your skin feels as if it’s on fire. Alone, sitting in your room; clothes ripped off and a fan blowing at you to an angle- you’re on overload right now. All lights are out except for a little bit of sunlight (or moonlight as it often is) as you cling to your favorite blanket and try to calm down- but the texture of the carpet makes you feel like crying or yelling out even more- especially if it brushes your feet. What are you supposed to do, when the simplest things make life tougher than it should be?


I toughed it out at Disney, despite all the very loud sounds, bright flashing lights, and horrible smells. I toughed it out when I went down Splash Mountain and got splashed in the face with water- I HAD to wipe my face directly after, but I couldn’t let go of the seat in fear I’d fall out of the ride. The only comforting part of the day was the few breaks we got to take, when I bought an ice cream to help soothe me. I nearly cried when the train’s brakes squealed and emitted a very high pitched squeal. 4 times during the day did I hear that- maybe even more. I wanted to scream, but for the sake of my friends I held it back. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I be NORMAL?

You give an audible sigh and exhale, slinking down in your room and closing your tired eyes. You’re calming down now, after a tough day of school. Even though college is filled with more adults than children, it’s still hard to bear through the blinding fluorescent lights, the professor droning on and on about things you don’t even care about, and the myriad of other annoyances. Not to mention the bus ride home is just as worse, if not more, than the bus ride to school in the first place. Walking inside the door, you shy your head away from the television because as much as you want to watch something, the buzzing from the electricity and the static just make your headache even worse.

You toughed it out at middle and high school, too. Sensory hell conveniently squeezed in a tight compact building full of kids. Lunch time and in between periods was the worst of it all. There must’ve been hundreds of kids running, climbing, pushing themselves through a small hallway all going different directions. If you even tried to walk through there was no doubt you’d get bumped by a stranger- which would send you into a weird feeling for the rest of the day. Rubbing the spot where you brushed against someone else furiously, you can’t seem to shake the feeling that something is wrong- but how to fix it?

When the smell of food cooking makes you nauseous… how is one supposed to eat? Or cook? You can only plug your nose for so long before you have to breathe normally again… and if you plug your nose physically in front of the person, you insult them/their cooking, when that isn’t the case. Waking up to the smell of bacon and eggs in the morning is enough to make any normal person excited, but for you it made you crawl under the 4 comforters on your bed and hide your face under them, no matter how hot it was. You did not want to wake up and “smell the coffee”- rather, you wanted to hide from it and not smell it at all.

What’s a person supposed to do when the daily things everyone has to go through makes you want to break down and cry? You wonder, I crave hugs and cuddles but if someone touches me too lightly I jump, cringe, or whimper. I search for answers, but all I could come up with was OCD… but I have no compulsive thoughts or even obsessions… so what is the answer? What am I supposed to do...? Little did you know it was littered all throughout your childhood and adolescence, but it was only going to get worse before it got better.

Looking forward to reading more...

Thanks Sarah :3 I'll try keeping this updated frequently. Switching to first person now. <3
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During my childhood, I was unable to enjoy some of the more fun things a kid should do, like bike riding or heelie shoes. The few times I tried either, I usually ended up falling on my rear or my face, and everyone around would stare and laugh. At the skating rink, I fell so many times that the employees stopped coming to my aid when they saw me fall. I couldn’t stand back up while I was in skates, so I’d crawl from the middle of the floor to the exit of the arena on my hands and knees, with everybody stopping to stare and laugh.

In school, I was the weird one…

I’d get teased frequently for things beyond my control, such as my balance or heightened sense of smell and hearing. People knew things would annoy me, such as coming up to me and whispering to me. They turned around and purposefully did them just to annoy me. If they found out just how sensitive I was to certain perfumes, then they’d purposefully spray twice the amount right in front of me, knowing I had to sit still in class and I wasn’t allowed to walk outside.

Why were kids so mean? I never did anything to them… There were times where I even had rocks thrown at me for walking to the football field quietly. So many times I wanted to break down and cry right then and there, but I couldn’t… I had to keep it together- if I lost it, then the bullies won…

As long as I could remember, I’ve always had balance problems. I always felt unsteady; I’d trip over things or lean on something while standing still just to keep my balance up. Walking on uneven terrain greatly increased the chances of me tripping, but when I fell my hands would not break my fall properly- they’d fall too far out or too far in, get scraped or buckle under my body. Eating a face full of dirt or gravel isn’t the best thing in the world, really.

My posture has always been horrible, but it was never something I could change on my own. I slouched over all the time, leaned my head on my arm as I listened to the teacher talking, and had to have my back pressed against something at all times. During gym, or whenever I sat in bleachers, I always had to sit in the spaces where people walked. I had to have my back pressed against something, or I’d be leaning forward unwillingly. It almost felt like I couldn’t control my upper body muscles.

When I was younger, the topic of ADHD and me was brought up at some point. Quickly dismissed by my mother, it was never brought up again. Though each time I had the urge to run or jump on something (which never went right, seeing as how my knees naturally locked themselves up upon landing, rather than naturally bending to cushion the impact), or to throw myself on the bed, I always thought back to ADHD. The symptoms matched up occasionally, so I thought it was something I’d grow out of. But the more I got closer to becoming an adult, from childhood to teenage years and up til now, it only seemed to get worse or more complicated.

But, I never thought all these problems were connected to each other…

Oh gosh, once again, I do indeed relate to this; I'm even, AGAIN, saying 'wait THESE THINGS ARE RELATED?!'

I know how ya feel charlie, I'm stilll doing that too. XD
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Despite all the bad things that kept happening, there were always times where I couldn’t help but laugh. Sometimes I’d trip, yeah, but that got me a reputation for being clumsy amongst the few friends I have. If I managed to go the day without spilling something or tripping, they’d say it was a miracle and laugh. I found it funny too, so of course I’d laugh with them. Even though deep inside I was upset with myself for not being able to do things that others could do with ease, I just accepted it as being me.

I couldn’t throw a ball straight no matter how hard I tried.
I couldn’t write neatly, cursive or print, even if I tried.
I couldn’t stand straight without needing to lean on something all the time.
I couldn’t fall without falling on my face- my hands didn’t want to reach out to brace myself.
I couldn’t take a sip from a cup without half of it spilling down my face.

But this was me- this is what I am used to. I don’t know what it’s like to break your fall with your hands, to jump and land without locking your knees and the whole impact coursing through your body painfully. I don’t know what it’s like to have good balance, or good motor control. The only world that I know of is my world- where certain touches, smells, and sensations will drive me insane and make me sick or feel pain, where my balance and coordination make simple tasks hard.

It’s only me, after all, isn’t it? There’s no way anyone else could have the same problems as me, right? I'm just this weird kid who does everything wrong, no one else cares, do they?



…Wrong, I found out.

It’s taken me years to come this far, to be honest… and it hasn’t been easy. I used to blame my bad coordination on my body being too big. I never really thought that if it was just size, I would learn where I could or couldn't fit well, and I wouldn't bump into stuff as much, because I would be aware of my body’s boundaries better. I never was really thinking straight, though. Hell I even thought it was normal for gravity to hate me, and want me to be on the ground 24/7. I just dealt with each day’s blows as they came, and tried my best to ignore them.

I never had an excuse for my sensitivities, but I used to dismiss it thinking it was all in my head. After all, no teacher ever thought something was wrong with me, so obviously they must be right, right? One day when I came up to my school counselor after days of being too afraid to speak up, I asked about a specific learning disorder that I thought I had. The only reply I got was that she had no clue what I was talking about, and to go back to class. So off I went for the rest of high school, struggling along with unknown reasons for my weird problems.

Well, I’ve been a part of several communities for a while now. I came across a nice person in the chat room of one of these communities, who listened to my complaints as I struggled to do some college homework last minute. I was so flustered, upset and restless that I wanted to cry, but I didn’t know why. I thought I was just being a whiny brat, but he actually believed me when I was saying I couldn’t control feeling like this.

Hours later, we kept talking, and I remembered something that had always bugged me, but I never knew the reason why. Why some sounds, smells and touches would make me feel sick or feel hurt. Why I had bad posture and couldn’t rectify it on my own, and why I was constantly craving motion even when I was focused on my work.

Now, before you think ‘Oh, these are just normal things to feel during homework time’, I want you to remember how I explained it in the first place… When all these sounds and feelings become too much for me to handle, I can’t control it anymore. My body feels “not right”, and every little touch sears pain through my body, every little sound comes at me like a jackhammer. It’s intense and it’s upsetting…

But well, after a few hours of talking I was told to look up something, because it fit what I had been explaining.

Sensory Processing Disorder.

Suddenly, a light went off in my head- it clicked. I frantically kept looking for more information… recalling all these childhood memories, symptoms I had experienced but shoved away, just everything. It was the missing puzzle piece for me.

But now where did I go? Research is the first step, but research can’t cure it…so what do I do from here? I'm in shock...

Sila,

Sounds like you might have a mild case of a Neuromuscular Disorder as well as SPD. The amount of clumsiness and weak muscle positions you are describing are indicative of a problem in addition to the SPD.

For SPD the only thing I have found I can do about it is break down each individual problem and then try to find ways to improve my functioning in that area.

For my Light Sensitivity, I have Irlen Lenses that block out the wavelengths of light that shut me down.

For my Sound Sensitivity, I have headphones and places to escape to in my home if the noise is too annoying.

For my Touch Sensitivity, my husband has learned that soft touches are bad but deep pressure touches are heavenly. Wilbarger Protocol helps with Touch Sensitivity if it goes off the charts where every little thing that touches my skin makes me want to cry.

For my Smell Sensitivity, I have to do 100% avoidance of smells that trigger allergic reactions.

I don't have Taste Sensitivity much, but I avoid the foods that creep me out for the most part. I will only eat brocolli or califlower if it is as shredded as possible.

Heyas beck, thanks for the reply :3 I'm actually pretty sure I have dyspraxia, the symptoms and all my struggles add up. I plan on going to my school to ask for an evaluation if possible, so I'll keep updated on that. I'm also 100% sure I'm dysgraphic, and I know I've got a speech disorder too. All this stuff I'm going to get evaluated on as soon as I can, since I'm in college now and getting it addressed + dealt with is important.

I'll be updating the story soon. It's all based off of what I've been going through, so it'll update soon as I'm learning more.