Big hugs about your daughter! Yes, some is the age and some is the SPD. Your daughter's meltdown about carrying her babies to the porch sounds very familiar (not the babies part, but substitute cars or lightsabers or whatever). That's such a tough time (the age range of your kids). I found that when my younger son (D2) was 2-3 yrs old and my older one (D1) was 5-6 yrs, it felt like every day was a struggle. Before, my older son had been used to taking a toy from his younger brother and D2 used to not care. But when they were older, D1 would take toy from D2, D2 would hit D1, then D1 would hit D2 back, then there were two crying kids. And older son had so many meltdowns during the day. I can't remember (or don't want to) how long they lasted, but I know there were too many to count. It was before I'd heard about SPD and before his diagnosis, so I just felt like a bad mom for not being able to handle things.
It does get easier. It'll get better. As they get older and more mature, they'll be able to handle things better. You might be able to learn more of their triggers and avoid them when possible. My older son had a terrible time with sudden loud noises, which caused many meltdowns. Then I found that if I warned him ahead of time, he was able handle it better. "I'm going to turn the vacuum cleaner on now. It's going to be very loud. Do you want to cover your ears or go in the other room?" "We're going into the restaurant and it might be very loud because there are a lot of people in there." Just warning him about things seemed to lessen the meltdowns. He started getting OT in school during 1st grade and then we did a private OT center during the summer between 1st and 2nd grade. By the time he was 8 at the end of 2nd grade, he was already so much better.
Have you checked with the school system about Early Intervention for your daughter? I think they will evaluate kids at age 3 to see if they need any services. I think it would be worth it to look into it. Does your son do any OT or other therapy? How long
Are you able to stagger their bedtimes at all? Do you get any help from a spouse or other family? We had our two boys in the same bedroom for about 5.5 years or so (until just last month, in May). We tried to put them to bed about the same time sometimes but it was always a disaster. Once we staggered their bedtimes, it was so much better. My husband works long hours but one good thing is that he is usually able to help at bedtime. He takes one to bed and I take the other to bed, then we swap the next night. We do the bedtime routine with the younger one, then tuck him in to bed. Then the other person would be starting bedtime routine with our older son in our bedroom, then by the time he was ready to be tucked in, our younger son was already asleep. Then someone would sit with older son until he was asleep. Sometimes I bring laundry to fold while I sit, or do bills, etc., by the light of the nightlight. We had moderate success with sitting for shorter and shorter times, but then something would trigger his anxiety again and we'd be back to sitting the whole time. Luckily, it now takes him a shorter time to fall asleep. But he is the same way as your older son. He hates to be alone. He would have moments of absolute terror at being alone in the room. He has the same separation anxiety during the day (as at night) and freaks if he doesn't immediately know where I am in the house. He's getting a little better, but I do still have to always let him know where I'm going (I'm switching the laundry, I'm letting the dog out, I'm going upstairs, etc).
Do your younger two still nap? That can mess things up sometimes because then they want to stay up later. If they don't nap, then an earlier bedtime might work for them. Then 30-60 minutes later your older son.
Sometimes hubby travels and I have to do the bedtime routines with both of them alone. I've modified it a little bit and have older son in with us while I'm getting younger son ready for bed and reading to him, etc. He'll sit with us and read (when he was old enough), or have a quick snack, or start getting his pajamas on a little early. So if you don't have anyone to help at bedtime, can your older son be with you while you get the younger two to bed? Maybe even set up a sleeping bag for him to lay down on the floor and rest while he's waiting.
Mostly I want to say that it will get better. Hang in there! HUGS!
Just adding on: I didn't finish one of the questions. How long has he had therapy? When was he diagnosed?
Also, was going to suggest weighted blankets for sleeping. I got ours from DreamCatcher (
http://www.weightedblanket.net/index.htm ) They have this on their website: "In researching weighted therapy for sleep and calming, we talked with many therapists, medical professionals and experts in the sensory integration field, and have learned a great deal about how and why weighted products work the way they do. The very short version of the theory behind how DreamCatcher tm weighted products work, is the deep pressure touch stimulation (DPTS) supplied by the weight in our products , is believed to release a chemical in the brain, which naturally calms.
What is the chemical released? Serotonin is the chemical that functions as a neurotransmitter (chemical communicator). Serotonin is thought to be involved in inducing sleep, sensory perception, temperature regulation, and control of mood. Studies have shown that serotonin may be released by deep pressure touch stimulation. Massage and deep pressure releases both serotonin and endorphins. The serotonin acts as a calming mediator for the body while the endorphins act as a happy stimulator for the brain. Together they can bring pleasurable feelings and general elevated moods in both your body and mind. It calms you when feeling anxious.
As an added benefit, Serotonin converts to Melatonin which is the hormone the body releases at night. Studies show that Melatonin aids in giving the body a good night's sleep
